This cross is too heavy.

I stood in the shower crying. No, sobbing. Ugly crying even. I cried out to God again. I had prayed and prayed for him to send me relief. I prayed novena after novena. Saint hopping even. And still the Lord was silent. I had not received any hope.

For months I had been looking for a job. We were living on savings and though we had some time before we ran out, we were eventually going to run out. I had zero prospects and everything seemed hopeless. We had been here before. Laid off and unemployed; pregnant and unemployable. (Illegal as that may be, it’s a reality.) I didn’t handle the first time very well and still God saw us through. This time I had much more peace but sometimes had these breakdowns; mostly in solitude.

So I asked God why. Why this cross? Feeding my children and keeping a roof over our heads are the most basic earthly needs! Why this cross? God – this one is too heavy. It’s too hard! This cross is unfair. I asked God why He chose this one for me and why it continued to be a problem. I kept asking, “Why?” I was maybe a tad demanding. “Tell me why?!?”

So God showed me.

I saw another person’s marriage – someone I don’t know. Two people living in fear of each other and in constant pain. I saw their belittling, their rage, their pettiness. I saw their union crumbling. So much fear and anguish. It was awful! Then I saw another family. A mother crying over her sick child, who would inevitably die. I saw her grief. Her husband’s grief. Her other children’s fear. They were all so sad. So upset. In so much pain.

I felt these two scenarios deeply. I’m not a very empathetic person so this was huge for me. But their pain was sharply felt deep in my heart and I didn’t like it.

“Thank you, God!” I said. I proverbially fell to my knees in thanksgiving. My cross I could handle. My cross was doable! My cross was carefully selected by God just for me!! I was so very grateful for my cross. My tears of fear turned to tears of joy. I kept saying thank you. Thank you! Thank you God, for this cross.

A few days later I saw the meme, “Noah had faith but he still had to build the ark.” So I started to fill my days with applications. Following leads, reaching out to anyone who would listen. Networking. I had 16 interviews in the weeks that followed and no offers, but that’s 16 more than I had when I was sobbing in the shower. God did give me hope. He held out his hand and said, “This cross is just for you. But I will be here every step of the way.”